If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen