Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Jupiter
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.