Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
🤭😂
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man