When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Namaste
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
ATMs should have breathalyzers
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.