Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
You Might Also Like
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
B
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t