Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.