Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
time for some seasonal decor
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.