Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.