I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
What number SPF blocks people?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50