Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My time has come.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.