Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
he looks great for his age
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
These 3D printers are insane!
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.