‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*jazz hands*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
This raises questions
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.