Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
adding to the discourse
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell