if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
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ME: Oh no.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Our lord and savoury.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?