A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Get in loser we’re going crying
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*exercises sarcastically*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.