Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair