I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.