*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”