My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
You Might Also Like
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏