No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I am HOWLING at this
Hit me in the face with a bird
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons