As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Well, this is awkward
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
dutch so unserious
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.