Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.