Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.