Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I love the honesty
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?