I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.