I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I mean…but I did
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
is this how new cars are made??
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My boss called in sick of me