I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Meanwhile in Portland…
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.