[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My dating profile:
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Netflix and awkward silence?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity