I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.