before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
You Might Also Like
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.