If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You Might Also Like
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Can’t. Being lazy.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Raisins are grape jerky.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Mission: Impossible
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.