When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.