“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.