No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up