Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
That’s easy for you to say
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.