8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m having an out of money experience.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.