Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW