Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.