me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi