one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If a snake ate a cake
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Happy Halloween 🎃
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days