I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??