Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.