Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’d use my best pan on you.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.