The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My sex drive has a dui
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified