One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower