“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
#dnd #ttrpg
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to