Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
True.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up