You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently