Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
choose your fighter
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire