There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
the greatest twitter interaction
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”